2019 Wrapt: Hesitantly Moving Into This New Year
What did 2019 look like for me?
It started by getting on a plane, knowing I was about to face my worst nightmare on the other side- my cousin Carli’s suicide. No matter how bad things get, you never think that that’s a phone call you are going to get, take or need to act upon. And yet there I was, a day later, flying for 22 hours to the face it.
What got me through? Human connection. Honestly, thanks to the kindness of complete strangers on a plane, I was comforted, distracted and occupied. They saw in me a person in need and could empathize. Instead of relaxing, sleeping or ignoring me, they spoke softly and sweetly about themselves, their losses, what got them through and everything in between. I am grateful for these people every day.
On a lesser scale, but still stressful- I also dealt with the dentist, family, and an unexpected pregnancy, followed by unexpectedly intolerable nausea. I am one of those people, who entirely due to my own issues, leaves the dentist until the last possible moment. So its no surprise really when I walk in thinking I’m getting a filling and instead they say tooth extraction.
Comparatively, more or less, came the endless stream of family visits- you're prepared for a filling size experience only to be served a teeth extraction level drama. And similarly, the pregnancy, a blessing for sure, but also, I have to ask myself what the fX%K was I thinking? Seriously, in what world did I think that at 35 years of age, which 3 other children (the last of which was born 4+ years ago), and new work did I think I was going to get away with an easy and stress free pregnancy?!
But each of these challenges gave me the chance to accept the bad, as well as the good. For example, the dentist; here was an opportunity to be better, face that same challenge and rise to the occasion…and I guess if I maintain this terrible pattern of behaviour, then at least I have 31 healthy teeth to go!?
The family, well, we love each other, so there’s that. But also, it's for the kids- there is pretty much no better gift than gifting them more people in their life who love them, so basically, suck it up. Which brings me to this baby- literally, more to love. Even if this pregnancy has taken my breasts to new lows, stretched my skin beyond what I thought was possible and worn my joints to an inch of their life. Even if I have never felt older or more tired than right now…babies, loveable bundles, am I right!? And then there is rock-solid contraception…ask me anything, I have a new quasi-PhD on the subject.
This last point brings me to my next point- accepting motherhood for what it is and it isn’t; shopping, cooking, cleaning, weighing in on endless kid’s arguments, rinse and repeat. But you know what, these are just my least favourite qualities of the job, and there are so many more that I actually love. So with that in mind, I am trying to take solace in the fact that I actively chose this life and these jobs are a big part of what keeps our family ‘vehicle’ moving forward. So I can fight it with procrastination and inefficiency or I can get on with it, get through it and find my hands and my mind free to enjoy the moments I may have been missing.
Also, this last year I felt a pressing personal priority was the need to make a choice between bills and things I wanted. A big part of that I think was ‘adulting’, a 20 year in the making resolution which involved ceasing to act as a 'kid in the candy store' and recognize that those purchases are not going to resolve whatever emotional and psychological inadequacies I am failing to work through. In my case, it was about understanding my value, the value of the merchandise and its impact and if they didn’t measure up, then accept the positivity of the decision and let it go. It was surprisingly easier than I thought, and outside of a pair of glasses, shawl, some vintage clothes and a couple of pregnancy basics I haven’t parted with nearly as much money as I have in previous years and the world is better for it!
And it seems that every year I get older, I look back thinking ‘gawd, that was a doozy!’ and then the next year I laugh a little at myself and think ‘I can’t believe I thought THAT was a doozy, it was nothing compared to this last year’ and so on. But that just life right?! We want to have loved, lived and lost (than not at all). But none of that means anything if you aren’t taking notes. So, what did I learn from last year? I learnt to redefine and prioritize self-care- which now looks like exercise, therapy, seeking positive changes in the form of paradigm shifts, re-affirming connections and relationships, upskilling, materially simplifying my life (very much a work in progress) and creating more work-life balance, and yes, sometimes that looks like saying no and strengthening seemingly harsh boundaries.
Does any of this have to do with Wrapt in 2020? Yes.
How do you ask? Well, first and foremost, there is the value of the shared experience in womanhood and our relatability. I personally live by the position that if you have something to say, there is someone out there who probably needs to hear it. So be open, talk straight and break some taboos while you at it. Sitting still in comfort won’t have you going anywhere fast.
Secondly, a big part of our attention at Wrapt is about providing a platform to share, be critical and grow. Bringing me to some of our larger projects this year- to mark the 3rd International Women’s Day March we are publishing a series of essays by different activists speaking to the intersectional feminist movement and what we can do better to understand our wider community’s needs and how to be better allies. There will also be another series on sex, intimacy and education and all the cultural and fashion events that sprinkle our calendar.
Please remember, that we are a completely open, transparent and inclusive media platform that is always looking for more content and an opportunity to widen the community. So please submit or comment away, drop us a DM or email (hello@wraptmagazine.com), because we genuinely want to hear from you.
In 2020, I hope to see you here, and I hope to hear from you soon,
Chav
Chava Kuchar
Editor in Chief, Wrapt magazine