Caught in the Crossfire: The Realities of an Abusive Relationship
You know what’s happening to you isn't right, but the longer it happens, the quicker it becomes your norm. By now you're merely a bystander in your own life. Your partner, now abuser’s, low self-esteem causes them to lash out at you. This is a psychological phenomenon known as projection. In this case, they are really lashing out at themselves, and we as bystanders, are caught in the crossfire. It’s as astonishing in its simplicity as it is terrifying.
Herein lies the problem; it doesn’t get easier once you realize that you're in an abusive relationship and that you need to get out. It’s more complicated than that. The data tells us that most women take at least six, even seven attempts to break up with their abuser. Fear is most often the case for this, but also as bystanders, it’s easy to recognize and empathize with their emotional baggage, resulting in a return to the relatonship- repeating the cycle once again.
I never listened to the people who warned me about my abuser. I was very young at the time, and i just wouldn’t accept their advice. I am not sure that anyone my age (at the time) would have accepted such advice or warnings- when we’re young, we believe we're invincible, but as we mature we realize that that’s not the case at all and we can take a step back we can recognize and articulate that this is not what we want in life. TI grew and this is what I learnt when I finally managed to free myself- in most cases, it’s about power for the abuser. So the relationship will only truly be over when you take that power back for yourself.
Few talk about the guilt. It’s common to carry a lot of guilt after ending an abusive relationship. I know I did. According to my abuser, everything was my fault, and I heard it so much that I think I eventually accepted it as truth. I now understand that it wasn't, but back then I very much had come to believe it. My psychiatrist explained to me that I was in ‘survival mode’, that I was relating to the person hurting me as a way to protect myself. And even though I rationally know and understand this, realistically, it’s a process. It’s going to take me some time to dig down and unpack these core beliefs to reveal my real strengths and weaknesses.
I am currently navigating this through a practice called Cognitive Restructuring. Cognitive Restructuring is at the heart of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It’s a group of therapeutic techniques that aim to assist people recognize and change their negative thinking patterns. Again, it’s a process, it takes work and time to overcome. Memories about the incident will overwhelm you, which leads to heightened emotions and deep lows. That's okay, you’re going to feel whatever you feel and you’re entitled to your feelings, you can’t change these, nor should you try. But where do you go from here? How do you behave around others? Approaching new relationships- what do you do? How do you respond to these emotional cycles?
Well, I start with deep breathing. And then I allow myself to talk about and speak to my experiences. Through sharing it, I can realize the reality of my core beliefs without guilt and work on healing myself one exercise at a time. And still, there are days that I say that ‘I should’ve done this’, or ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ but those are loaded words that go back to a place of guilt. I know that I am the sum of my experiences- without a doubt, they have shaped me. And even though I would have liked to have learned these lessons less painfully- like falling down the stairs, there’s no going back; only moving forward.
I remember that during the worst of it, I used to think that my life was ruined. But it wasn’t and it isn’t, and I’m not going to let the abuse or the experience define me, and neither should it define you.
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With that said, if any of you need help getting out of a domestic situation, know there are options out there for you:
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (USEST)
Sexual Assault Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (4673) (USEST)
An International Domestic Violence Resource Guide exists here (updated 2020)
OR,
If you just need to talk to someone who has experienced a similar dynamic (when it comes to domestic violence/sexual assault), just know my direct messages are always open @Eliza.Speaks. Just know you’re not alone.
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A healthy dating relationship is based on EQUALITY and RESPECT, not power and control. Think about how you're treated and want to be treated by someone you care about. It’s as important to learn what a healthy relationship looks like as it is to recognize and unlearn our unhealthy habits.
Indicators of a healthy relationship:
Honesty and Responsibility
Not making excuses for your partner’s or your own actions
Admitting when you are wrong
Keeping your word
Not cancelling plans
Open Communication
Free to express your feelings or opinions
Feeling it’s safe to disagree
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say
Intimacy
Respecting your partner’s boundaries
Respecting each other’s privacy
Not pressuring your partner
Being faithful
Physical Affection: Holding Hands, Hugging, Kissing, Sitting or standing with your arm on your partner’s shoulder,
Respecting each other’s right to say no
Asking before acting
Fairness and Negotiation
Accepting change
Being willing to compromise
Working to find solutions that are agreeable to both people
Agreeing to disagree sometimes
Shared Responsibility
Making decisions together
Splitting or alternating the cost on dates
Doing things for each other
Going places you both enjoy
Giving as much as you receive Respect
Paying attention to your partner even when your friends are around
Valuing your partner’s opinion even if it differs from yours
Listening to what your partner has to say
Trust and Support
Being supportive
Wanting the best for your partner
Knowing your partner likes you
Offering encouragement when necessary
Being okay with your partner having different friends
Symptoms of an unhealthy relationship:
Minimization and Blame
Not accepting responsibility for your actions
Making a joke when you hurt your partner
Telling your partner everything is his/her fault
Acting like abuse is okay in the relationship
Intimidation
Yelling or screaming
Using a threatening tone
Talking down
Threatening to hurt yourself or your partner
Making your partner feel afraid
Tearing up pictures
Smashing gifts
Destroying objects Sexual Abuse
Bragging about your sexual relationship
Comparing your partner to past partners
Flirting to make your partner jealous
Using drugs/alcohol to get sex
Pressuring your partner
Rape
Physical Abuse
Holding your partner so he/she can’t leave
Slamming him/her into a wall or locker
Hurting your partner where bruises don’t show
Grabbing
Slapping
Hitting
Shoving
Punching
Kicking
Threats
Saying you can’t live without your partner
Telling your partner you will leave him/her somewhere if they don’t do what you say
Constantly threatening to find someone else
Saying you will commit suicide if you break up
Domination
Treating your partner like a baby, property or servant
Making all the decisions
Having expectations that no one can meet
Controlling who your partner sees or spends time with
Setting all of the rules in the relationship
Humiliation
Putting down your partner
Calling your partner names
Constant criticism
Making your partner feel like he/she is crazy
Humiliating your partner in front of people
Making your partner feel guilty
Embarrassing your partner
Possessiveness
Using jealousy as a sign of love
Accusing your partner of cheating on you
Not letting your partner have other friends
Telling your partner how to think, dress and act