The way we birth and the way we die
Is the way we give birth similar to the way we die? These are two portals where the unknown triggers us in different ways. Are we fearful or faithful? Empowered or helpless? Maybe if we witnessed more births and deaths, we would birth and die differently. Instead of having these two transformational experiences take place in the shadows of society, imagine bringing them into the light. How might this change our relationship to the beginning and to the end of life?
I never got to ask my mom what it was like when she gave birth to me. I was only 24 when she died, and at the time, birthing felt very far away. If you have the opportunity and haven’t done so already, ask your mother about your birth. I did, however, get to witness how she handled death and I believe watching how my mother navigated her death gave me a glimpse into how she may have birthed—my mom, Raizel, daughter of Miriam, a warrior in birth, life and death.
My mother, a trained physican herself, was dedicated to understanding every aspect of her illness, every possible medication, and every potential intervention. I believe that this gave her the courage to carve her own path. Just like in birth, there are many options when we are faced with an illness. How do we choose the hospital? How do we select our provider? How do we navigate the treatment? My mother knew what knowledge would give her the strength to journey her illness with confidence and resilience. In birth too, we must educate ourselves.
In fact, my mother often knew more than her providers. You know how there is childbirth education? Imagine having death education. Imagine providing sick people with the tools to make informed decisions in all things death and dying. My mom educated herself physically and also spiritually. What do the Rabbis (spiritual leaders in the Jewish community) say about living beyond comfort? What do the Rabbis say about pain medication? Etc. etc. She had her chief doctor and her chief Rabbi. Imagine if we had that during birth. Although her doctor and Rabbi provided her with answers to her questions, they never told her what to do. She took their answers and managed her way. If there was a doctor who was negative, condescending or patronizing, she would simply walk out of the room, or in some cases, roll herself out. In birth and in death, we should feel empowered, surrounded by people who lift us up.
When my mother came to the end of her journey in life, she knew that it was only a matter of time until her soul returned to it's Maker, and she turned inward. She shed her layers: Doctor, Wife, Sister, Grandmother, Mother.
What if we did that at birth? What if we forgot about all the roles we played in this world, and returned to our most naked, uninhibited, unsocialized selves? I think that this makes letting go and giving birth easier. At some point, my mother recognized that death was between God and her. No doctor, no friend, no doula, no family member could do a thing. The power to resign was hers, because ultimately, her fate was in the hands of her Maker. I’d like to think that this is the same space my mom tapped into during birth, a space of complete oneness with the Divine.
I remember when my mom told us, “I have decided to go into palliative care. It’s my decision. My autonomy.” At first, I was hurt. How could she not be thinking of us, her kids, her family? But now, I realize just how profound that statement was, and I imagine that she spoke similarly during her 4 births. It’s my body. These are my decisions. I don’t care what you think.Determination and bravery; These traits have been passed down from womb to womb.
Then came the waiting, the painful contractions of death that birth a person into paradise. The slow, non-linear process of dying that pulls at your heartstrings - the surges - the waves - the pressure - until you reach transition - a moment of lucidity - that catapults you to the stage of release. Sound familiar? Illness does not take us in an instant, it’s a process like birth, that happens in its own time. Every person birth and dies differently. Every birth story and death story is unique.
I guess, in a way, I didn’t only watch my mom voyage through the process of death, but I also watched her be born into the next world. I witnessed her go through the labors of death. Through this struggle, I watched her transform into a pure, raw, vulnerable ball of light, and slowly, like a baby, her soul was delivered.
Ariela Sharon is a Jewish Doula and Childbirth Educator, for further information on her courses and services you can visit her website, arielasharon.com or reach out to her through instagram.